Coming Out the Other Side
“If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you.
If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.”
―Gospel of Thomas
A while back, I started experiencing cognitive issues. At first, they were infrequent, so I tried not to worry too much. After all, my doctor didn’t seem too concerned. By the end of March, however, the issues had worsened and become more frequent and disruptive, to the point were I was spending a better part of my days navigating them. The best way I can describe them is that it felt like my brain kept turning off. If I was talking to someone when the issues came on, I’d suddenly stop because I had no idea what I was saying. If someone was talking to me, suddenly, I wasn’t able to understand them. I could hear the person speaking and see their mouth move, but their words had no meaning. Sometimes, someone would ask me a question and I’d stand there, confused. I knew I was supposed to answer but, for the life of me, I couldn’t think of words.
After a couple of terrifying months of trying to get to the bottom of what was happening, doctors finally discovered that one of the arteries in my neck was almost completely blocked, and that not enough blood had been getting to the left side of my brain. So, 3 and a half weeks ago, I went into the hospital for an emergency angioplasty, and a vascular surgeon placed a stent in my artery to restore blood flow to my brain. It was terrifying.
I’m doing much better now and, for all intents and purposes, I’m a functioning human being again. My brain still isn’t 100%. I also don’t feel entirely like my old self, and no one is sure if that’s temporary or permanent. Frankly, at this point, I’m just grateful to be alive, and to get to still be in the world.
Why am I sharing all this? How does this relate to this shop? Because funny things can happen when you come within inches of your own mortality. I was reminded that our time here at earth school is limited, and that none of us knows when our jig will be up. Most of us live with the illusion that our lives will be long but we don’t actually know that for a fact. Not all of us get the privilege of sticking around until we’re old and grey.
And so, with all of this freshly in my back pocket, I’ve been thinking about the time I have left in this realm and how I’d like to fill it. I’d actually been thinking about this for a while; the recent health scare just lit a fire under me that I could no longer ignore, and made me realize that I needed to start aligning my actions with my thoughts while I still have the privilege of doing that.
I left the full-time job I’ve been working at for nearly 4 years. I’ve started lightening my load by selling things I own that no longer serve me. I’ve eliminated about a million things from my already healthy diet. And I’ve been thinking about this shop and its future.
After 9 years, I still enjoy running this little shop. I always viewed it as less of a shop and more of a way for me to connect with other people. But, if I’m being completely honest, for the past few years, I’ve felt a bit boxed in by what I was allowed (or rather, what I felt I was allowed) to do within the confines of this shop. I think that’s not uncommon when you create something. Eventually, it can start to feel scary to do anything outside of the parameters you have set for the thing you created. At least, that’s what it’s felt like for me. So, though I’ve had ideas of things I wanted to try to make or do, I haven’t followed through on them for fear that they didn’t align with what people have come to know and like about this shop. But those parameters that I’ve set are now driving me nuts. I can no longer tolerate the feeling of being boxed in by what my own mind thinks I should or shouldn’t do. I want to try things. Life’s too short not to.
And I guess I just wanted to say that things might start to look a little different around here. Not vastly different, I suspect. I’m still me, doing things the way I do them. But, yeah, maybe a little different.
For years, I’ve dreamed of making this space into more than a shop. While I like designing products, I’m also interested in how we make the most of our lives, in how we have more meaningful experiences with ourselves and with each other. I’m interested in travel and podcasts and movies and health and anything that is inspiring, uplifting, quirky, hilarious, thoughtful or enriching to my life. I’m constantly on the lookout for bits of information that might change my life in big or small ways, and I’d like to start sharing those things here, on my blog and my social media accounts. And, if you feel like it, I’d love for you to share your ideas/thoughts/recommendations too - in the comments section, in my DMs, in an email, however you want.
That’s it, really. I just wanted to share that, and say I hope you’re really well.
Thank you for reading.
Your friend,
Nadyne